


Skeletons in the Closet

by hollyandvice (hiasobi_writes)



Series: Holly's Round Ten H/C Bingo Card [5]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 09:29:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19248433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiasobi_writes/pseuds/hollyandvice
Summary: Tony traces his fingers around the edge of the arc reactor in his chest. It's been years. Years since Yinsen saved his life. Since he died protecting Tony. Since Tony accepted his lot in life. Sincethisbecame a piece of him as much as anything else he'd ever created. More, for the way it burrows under his skin and makes Tony's chest its home. He presses the flat of his hand over the light, as though that might make him forget that it's there. As though anything could make him forget.Tony regrets his past. Steve thinks it makes him who he is. They compromise.





	Skeletons in the Closet

Tony traces his fingers around the edge of the arc reactor in his chest. It's been years. Years since Yinsen saved his life. Since he died protecting Tony. Since Tony accepted his lot in life. Since _this_ became a piece of him as much as anything else he'd ever created. More, for the way it burrows under his skin and makes Tony's chest its home. He presses the flat of his hand over the light, as though that might make him forget that it's there. As though anything could make him forget.

In the dark of the bathroom, the light shines through between his fingers, no matter how tightly he presses them together. Tony drops his hand to rest beside its brother on the sink. He closes his eyes and hangs his head. There's no point to this.

The light clicks on above his head, and Tony winces at the sudden brightness. "Tony?"

Steve's voice is rough with sleep, and Tony tries not to feel guilty. "Hey, babe. Sorry, did I wake you?"

Steve hums noncommittally. He crosses the bathroom and rests his hands atop Tony's as he comes to stand behind him. Close enough to comfort, far enough that it's not oppressive. Tony closes his eyes and lets his partner's presence be a balm. "Everything okay?"

Tony sighs. "Is it ever?"

Steve's fingers twitch where they rest above Tony's. "What happened?"

Tony tries not to think of the angry reporters, of disappointment in Pepper's eyes, of the way he'd tried to plummet to his death just hours after--

"The press conference didn't go well, did it?"

Tony laughs dryly. "No. It really didn't."

Steve leans forward, his head coming to rest against Tony's shoulder. "I'm sorry."

Tony startles. "For what?"

"We both know I'm the reason--"

Tony turns in Steve's arms before he can even finish the thought. "Hey," Tony says. "Hey. No. This isn't on you, Steve. I'm the one that wanted to take things one step at a time. I'm the one that wanted to ease the world into knowing what kind of person I am. I'm the one that was too damn scared to be the one that corrupted Captain America and made you come out six months ago before I even broached the topic with Pepper's new PR chick. I'm the one that wasn't brave."

Steve's quiet for a long time. He reaches up and brushes a stray lock of hair from Tony's forehead. "You've always been brave, Tony."

Tony looks away. There's something about Steve when he gets like this -- tender and gentle and altogether too careful -- that makes Tony want to turn tail and run. He knows Steve thinks he deserves it -- Steve wouldn't treat him like this if he didn't -- but that doesn't mean _Tony_ always believes the same.

"Tony," Steve says a little more insistently. "Hey. Look at me."

Tony looks up and meets Steve's eyes, so big and bright and beautiful, and looks away a moment later. He doesn't deserve all this. He doesn't. He never will.

"You deserve everything good in this world, Tony," Steve says, as though reading his mind. "You deserve to feel as loved and wanted and valued as you can possibly imagine. Because you are."

"Whatever you feel for me doesn't change what I've done," Tony snaps.

Steve jerks, but doesn't draw back. It's a near thing, but he doesn't draw back. He just stands there, hands poised on Tony's hips as he stares down at him. "You don't mean that."

Tony swallows and licks his lips because the worst part is that he does mean it. He does mean it, but he would do whatever he could to not mean it if it meant Steve would stop looking at him like he'd just kicked a puppy and then spat on it. He looks away.

Steve grabs him by the chin and turns him back to face him. "You are the kindest, most selfless, most self- _sacrificing_ fool of a genius I've ever met, Tony. Nothing you've ever done can change what you are now."

"Of course it can." Tony hears the desperation in his tone. The wild, grasping hope that, this time, Steve might understand. "We all come from our roots, Steve. We can't escape them."

"So you're saying I wasn't the man I am today before I took the serum?"

"Of course you were," Tony snaps. "The serum made you _more_ the man you'd always already been, that's all. You've always been Captain America, you just needed help to find the body to go with your spirit."

"You don't know that."

"'Course I do."

"How?"

Tony opens his mouth to say _Because I know you_ , but stops short at the knowing eyebrow that Steve raises in his direction. Tony looks away. "Because my father knew you. He told me enough."

Steve is quiet for a moment, then he sighs. "Tony... that's not what you were going to say and we both know it."

Tony closes his eyes. Why won't Steve just let him have this?

Steve's hands settle on Tony's hips again. It takes more effort than it really should, but Tony doesn't move away. Steve draws him in close, arms winding around his hips. "You deserve all this, Tony. Every last bit of it."

"Then I have to believe I deserve this too," Tony says, wriggling an arm up between them to tap the arc reactor in the middle of his chest.

"Maybe you do, maybe you don't," Steve concedes, "but God only knows it's what brought me to you."

Tony pulls back. "What?"

"Look, we both know I've always been an eyes on the prize kind of guy. Who knows if our paths would ever have crossed without this." He taps the arc reactor in turn. Tony feels a shock of surprise through his chest. He's not sure Steve's ever touched the arc reactor before.

"I made weapons for the military."

"And they probably would never have let me near those deals."

"I went to all the military to-dos. Our paths would have crossed."

"Like ships passing in the night."

"You were my idol. I'd have made sure I met you."

"And you'd have been just another rich man trying to glean some glory from my shine." Steve smiles at Tony gently. "I know it brought you pain, Tony. So much more than you ever deserved. But can you consider that it brought you something more too? That maybe, just maybe, you deserve something more than just pain?"

Tony looks down to where Steve's fingers still linger on the edges of the arc reactor. They trace over the scar tissue there, ghost over the metal edges. A slow, steady presence that leaves Tony weak in the knees.

"Can you?"

Tony closes his eyes and lets out a slow, careful breath. "I suppose I can try."

Steve brushes Tony's bangs aside and presses a kiss to his forehead. "That's all I ask."

Tony reaches out to tangle his fingers with Steve's and draws the hand up to his own chest. "And this? It doesn't... it really doesn't repulse you?"

Steve makes a strange, strangled sound in the back of his throat. "Tony. It kept you alive. It brought you to me. Allowed me to see you as more than just another face in the crowd." He shakes his head. "Repulse me? Tony... it amazes me."

Tony blinks. His shock must show on his face, because Steve keeps going.

"I don't know half as much about engineering as you do, but I know enough to know that what you did here was incredible. You saved yourself, changed the face of the energy race, turned the one thing that should have killed you into your weapon for good. Tony. The last thing I could possibly feel about the arc reactor is repulsed."

Tony swallows again. He leans forward and presses his forehead against Steve's chest. "You're sure?"

Steve wraps an arm around his shoulders and holds tight to him. "I'm sure."

Tony closes his eyes. It's more than he'd thought he'd ever have.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for H/C Bingo Round 10. Unbetaed. [Come hang with me on tumblr!](http://hollyandvice.tumblr.com/)


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